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my journal


these entries from 2019 start with the most recent at the top and go back.


this month has gone by so fast. lauren graduated. I got my tattoo for jake. I really liked the artist. saw star wars, which was... interesting. there were things I loved and things I totally did not. christmas was great. I got bunch of great stuff, including a wireless mouse from mitch, which makes updating a lot easier.
yesterday mitch and I went to SAMA and saw the exhibition 'Victorian Radicals: From the Pre-Raphaelites to the Arts & Crafts Movement', then we had dessert at the cafe. it was really nice. I miss being able to be there all the time.
my last day at work is next week. the good thing is that I get health insurance for the month thankfully. I'm thinking about applying for the apple at home thing. we quit smoking starting a couple weeks ago so I will wait a little bit to be sure I can pass a test. ever since we quit I have gotten the worst sleep ever. I wake up like a hundred times a night and have tons of crazy dreams and nightmares. it really used to help me relax.
hopefully I do get the apple job and don't have to commute anywhere. plus I hear they have good benefits and I need money desperately.
mom's throwing a roaring 20s party for new years that should be a lot of fun. I really need to start a diet in 2020 but with my whole situation kind of up in the air, I'm not sure I'll be able to commit.


last week the whole family got together for thanksgiving and the lighting of the square. it was nice.
yesterday at work the phones and internet went down for a few hours and when it came back up, none of the site blockers were in effect. so I can access neocities at work!!! well hopefully at least for the rest of this month since my job will end then.
mitch and I watched the shop around the corner and the bishop's wife this weekend. then we went to see knives out in the theatre monday. it was super good. we got the cups that look like rey and kylo's lightsabers but they were out of straws so mitch had the idea to turn them into vases. I want to go pick out some flowers soon.
I did a bunch of christmas shopping online this week and have got basically all my presents, except for lauren. she graduates next weekend and I'm hoping to get some ideas then. she's doing really great.
I, on the other hand, am absolutely not in a good financial state and have no real idea of what I'm going to do with myself. every time I think about applying for a job or interviewing I feel like I am going to puke. same when I look at my bank account. not having a car makes it even more stressful. I oscillate between thinking I can procrastinate and figure something out eventually, and thinking that I should just give up and go disappear.


well, I have officially been laid off and my last day is dec 22nd. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm basically still in denial.
can't believe it's almost christmas. definitely stressed about getting gifts for everyone. and stressed about the new star wars movie that I am way too emotionally invested in. I'm just hoping to ride out the month of december and I'm telling myself I'll get my shit together and go on a diet and get a job in january. but it's honestly just as likely that I'll just give up on life and fall further into depression instead.
I did start thyroid medication but I haven't seen any improvement yet. still giving it time...
made a few little updates to the website today. I'm looking for inspiration to get me creative again. if you're reading this, link your site in my guestbook, or on my wall of text (which can be found on my links pg)


things have not been looking good at work and rumor is they may shut down our entire line of business. my boss mikah left me to go to recruiting and now I have a new one. the whole thing is a major stressor in my life right now. had a bit of a breakdown the other afternoon, but luckily the place is so empty nowadays that no one was around and it was slow so I just cried at my desk for a few hours.
plus I'm scared to lose my health insurance. I have been dealing with problems with my eyes again. apparently its an autoimmune disorder so basically I went to the doctor a bunch, made myself sick with anxiety about it, and wasted my money to find out there is nothing I can do to avoid the spots in my vision and they'll probably come and go forever.
I really need to see the endrocrinologist, my gp about blood pressure, and the dentist before the end of the year. ugh so stressful.
it has been nice having my mom close for support. we've stayed over there a couple of weekends and it feels good to have the whole family together.
I've been playing some pc games recently. mitch got me zoo tycoon ultimate animal collection and I played all the scenarios. then he also just got me planet coaster but I'm still getting the hang of that one.
oh yeah and the new lana album came out and it's been such a light in my life recently.
I'll try to write again soon.


sorry I've been neglecting this site. I guess its just another thing I start and have trouble following through.
been busy lately. went to leakycon, which was amazing, then found out harry and the potters were heading to austin so saw them again when we got back.
my family moved into their new house last week, and then I helped my sister move into her dorm this past weekend which was really weird. she's really all grown up but I worry about her so much.
had a day off today. went and got a manipedi and have been relaxing at home. its been a much needed relaxing day.


my birthday came and went. everybody came over and we went out to dinner and drank at my place on the weekend. then had dinner with family on tuesday.
my mom did give me a laptop. it runs way better than my old one and it even has a touchscreen with a pen. I want to start playing more sims, but also working more on some ideas for this site.
I need to update my cross stitch page for sure. its been insanely busy at work so its been a while since I got to work on any, but I have a few things to post.
still not feeling very good mentally. mostly just dragging myself through each day.
watching overwatch league now. mitch got me a jake jersey I'm wearing while houston plays. fragi played earlier so that was cool.


my birthday is coming up on the 23rd and I think my mom is going to give me one of her old work computers. I really hope so because this one is really on it's last leg and I would love to be able to play more sims 4. plus I'd do a better job of keeping up this site.
I've let things really settle back into the old routine around here and strangely it's been very relaxing. the stress of work and everything else was getting to be too much so I guess I needed to be able to relax at home. I think my life is really just a whole lot of trying to get by at this point.
it was a busy week at work. watched a lot of love island and court tv recently. spent yesterday looking at houses with mom, chris and robyn.


things have been hectic lately. my family has been around a lot. the house has been packed with between 6-9 animals at all times. I never got the apology I wanted, or any kind of grand gesture, but I've pretty much given up on any hopes of that. everythings been to stressful to let myself even think about it.
got two days off for the fourth of july so caroline stayed with me. robyn and lauren stayed thursday night but went home friday. caroline, mitch, and I set off some fireworks in the backyard then walked down to watch the big ones from the baseball field. it was really nice.
I worry about caroline a lot because she is such a good person. I wish I could just keep her in a protective little bubble forever.
mom and chris finally finished up with the house in TN and are closing on it soon.


I can't stop thinking about how I'm not really supposed to be here. I should have been the one to die that day. everything just feels wrong ever since. even after all these years. he would have been a better person than I can ever be now.
if I had a working car, I wouldn't tell anyone and I would go disappear. roll down the windows, buy a pack of cigarettes, go to the grand canyon. I say that but I'm dreadfully boring and it isn't true and I would probably just stay here. I wish I was brave.
at least I have my family to keep me grounded. I'm spending the day with them tomorrow.


I've had to move to the couch now, since my family is all here and they needed a place to keep their cats while they look for a rental, so they're staying in the guest room at night.
I had yesterday off and we went to see chris fleming. he was really funny but it's hard to stay happy about anything right now.
been working on my cross stitch and watching a lot of tv. cheesy stuff like merlin, teen wolf, love island (season 4 bc hulu hasn't gotten it together and uploaded season 5). just trying to stay afloat.


been busy lately. went to TN for my little sisters graduation. she's back in TX now and my mom will be next week. it's a good thing, because things haven't been so good around here for me lately. I've basically moved into the guest room and am just trying to get through each day without collapsing in on myself like a dying star.
working on a new page for my site to share the cross stitch projects I've completed. I've finished two projects now and started a small third one.


still haven't been feeling too great. I think it may be a side effect of my medicine so I'm stressing hard lately. had a bit of a meltdown last night; skipped dinner and went straight to bed.
my sister started cross stitching recently so I decided to copy her and picked up some easy ones today to try out. hopefully it will go well and it will be another calming little hobby like coding this website. I promise to not abandon my site; I'll come up with some cool new ideas for pages soon. just gotta get inspired.


added a spotify playlist and mother's day message to my homepage today, as well as a link to my goodreads in the sidebar and a goodreads widget in my about me showing my latest reads. I have been working a lot on an altar page and a cottage garden page, that I hope to put up soon.
still haven't been feeling very good and work was busy all week. a good weekend at home always is nice when I'm feeling down. I'm working on my site and watching hallmark right now while mitchell reads.


this weekend I wasn't feeling great but it's really kept my spirits up to work on this website. it's pretty much all I did, except we went to see endgame again.
work today was insanely busy until around 5. after that I liveblogged the met gala on tumblr.
writing in this journal is really driving home how boring my life really is.


things have gotten a little better at work. I finally finished a book and started another today. I'm getting into sabrina jeffries; I like her a lot. it feels good to get back into reading.
mitchell surprised me this week with presents in the mail. I got kylo ren earrings and a gorgeous tangled blanket. it's incredibly cute and super big and soft.
tonight we watched lady of burlesque on tcm and ate ice cream since it's robert osbourne's birthday.
I also added the new mermaid lagoon to my website which you can find in my sidebar. I'm getting pretty into this stupid site.

the weekend went well. poppy fest was nice and it was good to spend the weekend with my sister. I love her doggie hamish.
I had a few problems with it, but overall endgame was really good. I guess I ship sambucky now. also thor could get it.
work kinda sucks this week. I had to move my desk and unlike last week, I have gotten hardly any aux. I hope it gets better.


our trip to the blanton went well, but the brownies on saturday made me very, very sick and the day was a disaster. I was pretty torn up about it.
back at work now, but have had a ton of aux lately so it's been easy and boring. can't really get back into reading so I've just been wasting time. I wish neocities wasn't blocked so I could work on my site.
tomorrow is the start of poppy fest so my sister and her new puppy are going to come stay the night and I'm going to cook fajitas. saturday we are going to watch the parade that goes right past our house, then get manicures and pedicures and walk around downtown. a new bookstore just opened that I want to check out. then sunday we have tickets to see endgame in imax. I already read the spoilers and I'm not convinced I'm gonna love it.
I'm cooking goulash tonight and then we will probably play some more of the new mortal kombat game that came out monday. it's been pretty cool so far.
been struggling with how depressed I am. hopefully all these plans this weekend will go better than the last one and that will help.

today is my first journal entry. I've had a respiratory infection for the last week so I've been home watching tv and making this site. I'm dreading when I have to go back to work.
tomorrow is our anniversary so my honey is taking me to an art museum, then we're gonna come home and make brownies to take to the ren faire on saturday. I hope I'm feeling better so we can have a really good time.


© 1991